Happiness

Because You Can

We Need a Little Happy

Oh. My. Heavens.  Is the world trying to put us in a bad mood?  Have you had a few dark weeks lately?  Apparently the coronavirus is going to kill us all, and even if it doesn’t the news media is going to scare us into canceling all events and not leaving our homes for weeks.  (As tempting as that seems…) And the elections are just a bit much.  Every time you turn on the news or click on a story, people are yelling.  They’re yelling at each other, they’re yelling at crowds, they’re yelling at us.  Could someone please tell the candidates that every event is not a pep rally?  Seriously – I will vote for the first person who simply speaks in his/her inside voice for two straight days.

(Update:  This post was written and scheduled before the public health crisis grew to its current proportions.  The mandates to stay home are warranted, and no parade or basketball tournament is worth losing the life of someone you love).

So, as you’re sitting on that tiny plane next to a coughing man who’s wearing a Straight Outta Wuhan T-shirt and the inflight video is a replay of the Democratic debates, I thought perhaps we all could use some happiness.  I promise not to yell.

In the geo-related business, we all have an everyday awareness of geologic time.  Geologic time is that great ruler by which we express how insignificant many things are.  If geologic time were a day, people would have existed only in the last second – you’ve heard this sort of analogy, right?  We talk to clients about the fact that this “new” sinkhole has been developing for millions of years.  We tell our kids things like, “You think I’m old?  Let me go out to my truck and get you some samples of Devonian shale.  Now that’s old!”  We are nerds, and it puts things into perspective when we think about how long the materials we’re exploring have been around.

I would like to use a similar relationship to tell you all why we should be celebrating today.  Bear with me.

People(ish) appeared on this planet about 5 million years ago, give or take a few million years.  Homo sapiens evolved over 50,000 years ago.  According to the most recent calculations of people who do that sort of thing, our current population is approximately 7% of all the people who have ever lived.  So about 94 billion people lived before us.  If 51% of those people were women, that means almost 48 billion women came before us.  Using some completely sketchy and non-anthropological assumptions, we’re going to estimate that at least 90% of those women lived in a patriarchal society, because women are smaller than men and brute force ruled the day.  So 43.2 billion women lived before us in male-dominated environments.  I think you would be safe to say that of the 3.8 billion women living on Earth today, at least 30% of them still live in completely oppressive conditions.  So in summary, (which is likely several decimal places off), the women in today’s progressive cultures represent only about 6% of all the women who have ever lived.

We spend a lot of time talking about the problems that still face us in our male-dominated workplaces, but, seriously – 6%!!!  Of all of the women who have ever lived, 94% of them had it a LOT worse than we do.  They couldn’t own property.  They couldn’t vote.  They could be raped or beaten, and it didn’t have legal consequences.  If they were raped before they got married, their futures were ruined through no fault of their own. They were traded for power and disregarded.  They had no legal worth.

But we do!!!  We can vote.  We have jobs that we want.  We can own our own houses.  If we are attacked or even sexually harassed, we are able to press charges and seek damages and justice.  We can decide not to have children and we won’t be at risk for being tossed out into the streets as worthless.  We can have credit cards and stock portfolios and bank accounts, and no man has to oversee all of this.

Can we take a minute to celebrate this?  Yes, things might be much better in the future, but they were much much worse for a good portion of a past that is much longer than our short memories.  And WE get to be here for it. Our grandmothers couldn’t open their own credit cards, but we’re allowed to charge enough shoes to max out our credit limits.  And we don’t have to have anyone else around to monitor our spending habits.  Our great grandmothers could lose their houses if their husbands died, but we can live out our days lounging on our fabulous wrought iron furniture in our fabulous parterre gardens next to our fabulous country houses bought from our earnings from our fabulous jobs.

We need some happiness right now, so I want to initiate a little campaign to honor what we have.  I am proposing that we all do the following (choose all that apply):

1-    Charge something (because you can).  It doesn’t have to be from the spring line of Manolo Blahnik, although we’ll all bow down to you if it is.  You can buy $3 lip balm to give to your preteen daughter.  Or you can buy a copy of Garden and Gun magazine to enjoy with your morning coffee.

2-    Sit for 10 minutes and study the platforms of the presidential candidates, because you get to VOTE!  You may end up doing a write-in for Sarah Jessica Parker so that we get Universal Footwear, but you can still honor the fact that you get to be part of the process.

3-    Take a photo of part of your house or apartment or condo to commemorate the fact that it is legal for you to rent or own property.

4-    Take a photo of your office or save a business card to memorialize the fact that you were able to have the job you wanted.  You might hate your current boss, and there’s a possibility that you’re going to poison all of your co-workers during the next lunch-and-learn, but there’s no law that says a woman can’t be a insert your job here.  There’s also no law that says that you can’t leave this job and get another one.  In fact, you can change your profession completely if you want.

For each of these items, I want you to do them in honor of a female ancestor or ancestors who didn’t have these rights.  We all have these ancestors. My great-grandmother Evelyn, my great-grandmother Margaret, my great-aunt Freda…the list goes on.  I have it better than all of them, and I don’t appreciate it enough.

A moment of silence and a smile will be enough to commemorate these moments.  If you’re into social media, put up a post with #notonestepback*.  (Feel free to tag me on Instagram – @peggyhagertyduffy.  You can also tag me or Helen on Facebook). That’s the order Joseph Stalin gave his troops in 1942 when the Russians were being invaded by German soldiers.  We need to hold the same hard line.  Now is the time to be happy about what we have, because there are plenty of dark forces trying to bring the world down.  We’re stronger than that. We’re going to honor what it took to get here, and we’re not going back.

*Note – For you diehard history people, use of this slogan does not mean we’re going to execute retreating troops.  No one will be shot.  We just liked the decisive spirit of the order.

Beyond an Epidemic

Good Enough

A few weeks ago, I came across this blog post (click to follow the link) and my response was a resounding “Yes!”  Yes to the idea that we should be happy with accomplishments first for ourselves.  Yes to less looking to others for affirmation.  In my mind, the post was all about stopping ourselves from constantly asking, “Was that good enough? Did I do what I was supposed to do?  Was that enough to prove my worth?”

So, I wrote a post about this for Underpinnings, and I sent it to Helen for her expert editorial review.  She responded with, “Can we talk about this?” I speak fluent Helen, so I said, “So, you hated it.” This led to an animated discussion that revealed that I had not done a good job expressing myself. I hadn’t really said what I wanted to say, and I realized that some of my poor communication stemmed from the fact that I had not fully worked out how I felt about this issue.  Was I objecting to praise?  No, not really.  I did feel like that often praise for women in our field has a bit of a well-that’s-great-no-one-expected-you-to-do-well-because-you’re-a-girl feel to it.  But that wasn’t really the crux of it.  Of course I believe in praise – just ask my stepdaughter.  She used to say, “I know, I appreciate it, but you always think we can do anything well.” So why did this pitch for looking for your own praise first resonate with me so strongly?

As I was trying to figure this out (in order to write a post that actually made sense), I got a phone call saying that a young relative very close to me had tried to commit suicide.  A phone call like this never makes sense.  How could it?  How could a young teenager have experienced enough to decide that nothing here would make it worthwhile to stick around?  This is an individual with friends and hobbies who is consistently at the top of her class.  How does this compute?  It doesn’t.  And sadly, as I bawled to my always-supportive friends, many told me that they knew of other young women in the same age bracket right now who were battling depression and anxiety.  No coronavirus can be held accountable for this epidemic, and the casualties are certainly much higher. How did we get here?

My original rumination on the nature of our need for praise seems to have some place in this discussion.  Until a hundred years or so ago, the everyday tasks and responsibilities of most women did not involve opportunities for praise.  Beyond accolades for a well-cooked dinner (if they were lucky) or congratulations on birthing a strong child (without dying in the process), women were relegated to the world of servitude, and servants don’t get praise.  A good servant is someone who follows the rules and doesn’t get reprimanded. Actually, for most of the world’s population, men included, daily life was too full of tasks necessary just to survive to get much praise.  “Nice job keeping us alive through the winter,” probably wasn’t a compliment doled out too frequently, even if it was valid.

As the business of staying alive through modern conveniences allowed people to engage in pursuits where praise might be more appropriate on a regular basis, women still were stuck in a narrow aisle of domestic pursuits.  But the modern conveniences gave them the opportunity to excel, not just survive.  The many “women’s magazines” that arose during the twentieth century attested to the fact that women were striving for some sort of achievement.  Here’s a fabulous Jell-O mold – did I do that well?  Look how clean my kids’ clothes are – am I a great mom?  Here’s a cocktail I invented for my husband for the end of his workday – am I smart?  Even though women were making advances in equality, they did it within the framework of proving their worth.  They had to.  Because the law had said for hundreds of years that they didn’t have any worth. So they were going to prove themselves within the categories they were allowed to inhabit. The women striving for achievement outside the sanctioned areas were considered to be dangerous influences and reckless rebels.

The problem with the structure of affirmation was that the implications of many preceding years was built into the approvals.  You can be commended for having well-behaved children who wear perfectly ironed clothes because it means you’re staying in your lane.  The stronger the praise given, the more other women would want to strive for the same goals.  So the system reinforced the original scheme of oppression while seemingly giving women more opportunities to succeed.

And we bought into it.  In our enthusiasm for being betterstrongerfaster, we devoured the magazines and videos telling us how to be prettier, how to get thinner, how to do better in school, how to have a more fabulously decorated house.  We got competitive within the lane we had been given without realizing we were reinforcing the outside lines.

In the past 40 years, more and more women have decided that the lanes are too narrow.  We have widened our selection of acceptable careers and we have tried to normalize workplaces that are equal.  We’ve even been able to change the accepted standards of beauty that were unrealistic and discriminatory towards all women except four or five anomalous girls who were blessed with freakishly fantastic genes.  But we have not been able to shake our drive to prove ourselves.  We’re still looking for an atta girl, a confirmation that we did a good job and we deserve to be….wherever we are.  Why?  Men obviously don’t do this.  Have you visited the Men’s Interest magazine section in your local bookstore?  The headlines imply, “You’re already crushing it – here’s a way to have an even better time while you’re conquering the world.”

I’m afraid we have successfully changed the professional landscape for women everywhere without addressing the entrenched social expectations and behavioral patterns that have been drilled into females for thousands of years.  I refuse to believe that the current rash of depressed teenagers is solely a product of social media.  That’s an answer that’s too easy.  Yes, social media creates a whole mess of complications when dealing with the normal horror show that is adolescence for most people.  But we have to address the foundation we are providing for kids, particularly girls, who are living in a world that is vastly different for their gender than it was 100 years ago.  How do we break out of this infinite loop of quest for achievement and praise to define worth?  How do we let girls know that success does not come from being a blue-ribbon rule follower, because many of the rules are sexist crap? How do we turn all of our progress over the past century into real opportunity rather than just a wider array of roles in which we wear ourselves out saying, “Was that good?  Am I good enough?” It’s 2020 – our girls should not be chained to the same debilitating expectations that have limited the women before us.

Damaged

Bent, Folded, and Fine

During the past few months, all of my available Underpinnings time has been consumed with work on a video for the DFI Women in Deep Foundations Committee to educate women and girls about our field.  Every bit of my “Go Team!” energy has been focused on that effort, so blog posts have been moved to the side.  Until last week.

I happened to be scrolling through news headlines on my phone while sitting through a particularly painful meeting when I spotted a story about actor Ryan Phillippe’s court case.  The headline mentioned something about ex-wife Reese Witherspoon being drug into the mess, and I immediately went from zero to furious, assuming his turmoil was unfairly spilling over onto someone who had managed to pull herself out of his dysfunctional orbit.  What I found had nothing to do with Witherspoon but made me even madder.

The gist of the saga is that Phillippe and an ex-girlfriend both claim the other engaged in harassing behavior.  Text messages were brought in as evidence.  One of Phillippe’s messages to his then-girlfriend was listed in the article as,

“…you’re too great as you are bb. you’re so smart and funny and complicated and damaged, and stunningly beautiful – all traits i find the most engaging and attractive.”

And that’s where I went through the roof.

Have you noticed the use of the word “damaged” in our current culture?  It is often brought up in book reviews and synopses, describing the heroine of a touching memoir or the main character in a dark romance.  “This book explores how the damaged, fragile young artist finds her way back to creating a real relationship after she thinks she has lost all hope,” – or some such nonsense.  Movies capitalize on the idea, sometimes even working the word “damaged” into exposition.

Have you also noticed that the same word is rarely used to describe a man? No, damaged is all about women.  It’s an expression conveying tragedy or heartbreak or mistakes that somehow have managed to ruin the main character.  But ruined for what?  What does damaged actually mean?  More importantly, why has the term become accepted as some sort of romantic asset?

The word damaged typically means that someone or something is no longer in perfect condition.  To take it a step further, it conveys the idea that someone or something no longer works properly.

Either definition begs the question, “What is perfect?  What is proper working condition for a human being?”  To be more pointed about it, what is “undamaged” condition for a woman?

We all are aware of societal stereotypes regarding the “perfect” life for a woman.  You grow up in a loving house and work hard to be an obedient, accomplished young lady.  You develop into a well-behaved woman who maybe has a tasteful career or maybe doesn’t.  You have several beautiful children with a fabulous man, and you spend every last lick of energy giving them perfect lives and telling the world how #blessed you are. You are upheld as a paragon of selflessness and good sense, and you are told that you are beautiful when you spend what little time you have for yourself on getting your hair and nails done in whatever is the currently-accepted fashion.

So what constitutes damaged?  Based on my study of current books and movies using the term, damaged involves a woman who made a bad decision and took a turn off that “perfect” life route.  Damaged includes women who have dealt with emotional problems and diseases like addiction.  Damaged includes women who have been victims of other people’s problems, women who have been beaten and oppressed and ignored.  Damaged also covers women who have made a decision that led to problems, even when those problems weren’t of their own making.  Damaged is anything beyond “perfect.”

Wait – isn’t that just life? Isn’t life all about making mistakes and learning from them?  Aren’t we supposed to mature and evolve and get smarter as we get older?  You don’t do that by sitting in a bubble and conducting a faultless life unscathed by reality.

Somehow we reached 2019 and we have managed to hang onto the term “damaged” to describe women who have strayed from some outdated norm.  Let’s face it – the label is actually a shortened version of the term “damaged goods,” a phrase that used to pertain to women who were unmarriageable because they weren’t virgins.  Even if they were the victims of horrible crimes, they were considered soiled and unworthy of a respectable match.  So they were tossed out as defective, basically useless in polite society.

We have to be the advocates who reinforce the idea that women can make mistakes and have problems, just like men, and that doesn’t make them damaged.  Furthermore, we can take paths in life that are not exactly like the #blessed route AND THAT’S OKAY. That woman who struggled with insecurity in high school and developed an eating disorder?  She has learned to deal with her issues, and she is strong now.  The girl you knew who misunderstood the jackass she married and found out too late that he settled arguments with his fists?  Her scars are proof that she survived, and she can handle anything you throw at her now in your high stress work environment. And your old friend who wandered between majors in college and “lost” 10 years figuring out what she wanted to be?  She probably knows more about herself than the average bear and will navigate the rest of her life with a clear vision. And that woman you know through work who unknowingly married an alcoholic and finally divorced him, only to marry another control freak because she had lost all perspective on what a good relationship was?  Well, that’s me, and I’m just fine now.  My life probably hasn’t looked like yours, but I’ve learned a lot and I have a life full of outstanding people.

The more sinister side of acceptance of the “damaged” label is the cultural use that is disguised as a romantic tribute by men who are actually hoping to control the woman in question.  They act as though a “damaged” woman is more complex. Phillippe composed his text ode to his girlfriend as if he were saying how wonderful she was.  But by calling her damaged, he was inferring that she was less than perfect.  Men that use the term in this passive-aggressive way intend to reduce a woman’s confidence by reinforcing her imperfections, even if they profess to love those same flaws.  It’s an insidious, degrading tactic that is anything but romantic.  And books and movies that employ the same technique are no better.  We must push back against this. Enough with calling the interesting movie heroines “damaged.”  Has anyone ever called Batman damaged?  No, he’s just dark, which is exciting.

The basic problem with the use of this word is that it implies that someone is not perfect.  And that idea suggests that perfection is not just attainable but quantifiable.  We, as women of 2019, should be able to just live and work and play and love.  Perfection should not be a goal.  Someone else’s idea of perfection should be something to avoid.  And using someone else’s idea of perfection as a weapon for control should be a crime.

Sweet and Salty

For All Our Galentines

This is a week of treats, and we all like something salty and sweet, don’t we?  So here is our offering to you for your morning or afternoon snack – or your midnight munchie.  Something salty and something sweet.

Salty: The Spread

This morning was the fourth time in the past few months that I was subjected to what I have come to call The Spread.  Sitting in my airline seat with my belongings tucked beneath the seat in front of me, I suddenly felt pressure on my right leg.  I looked over and… there it was.  The man in the seat next to me had settled into a comfortable position that included his legs forming a 90 degree angle, aka The Spread.  About 25% of his leg mass had drifted into my seat space and was encroaching on my useable area.

I did what I normally do when this happened today – I ever so slightly pushed back, giving the guy a subtle “Hey, you’re in my space” nudge.  But, as so often occurs, he was oblivious.  I spent the rest of the thankfully short flight with even less room than current airplane seat measurements allow. By the time I got off the plane, I was irritated and resentful.  The whole situation was even more puzzling when the guy turned out to be a very considerate gentleman when it came time to unload bags from the overhead compartments and disembark the plane.

I realize that this issue is but a small slight in the general realm of sexism, and I should be happy that I was on a plane because I have a job where I am unconstrained by sexist bosses and I get to travel to work for enlightened clients.  On the other hand, the plane scenario, and its commonality in other places, feels a bit to me like a metaphor for women’s places in the world and the current state of our progress.  There seem to be a number of guys who still want to stress that this is their world and they’ll encroach and make us uncomfortable if they want.

Certainly some of you are yelling at me right now, “Just tell him to move!”  And yes, this also illustrates that not all of us are comfortable with just calling a guy out directly for his rude or sexist behavior. My southern sensibilities discourage it.  My feeling is that it’s not a big enough deal and it will make the rest of the trip uncomfortable.  What I actually would like to do would be to say, “Look – if you have a fungus and you’re uncomfortable, go get some medicine, but get out of my space!”  But my sensitivity to other’s feelings tells me that maybe he doesn’t even know what he’s doing and perhaps he would be really embarrassed if I called him out directly.

‘And maybe that’s the real lesson here.  Maybe he doesn’t realize what he’s doing.  Of course, some percentage of the guys who Spread are completely aware of their actions, because there will always be jerks EVERYWHERE.  But maybe some of these guys on planes and in stadiums are just like guys at work who interrupt us and push us out.  Maybe their behavior was learned at an early age and they don’t realize its implications.  So the proper response would be to clearly point out the issue, but without animosity.   “Excuse me, would you mind moving your leg?” might be in the same league with “Could you work on not interrupting me during meetings?”  If he responds badly, he’s a jerk being a jerk, not a good guy being clueless.  And you can proceed accordingly. In fact, perhaps you can diplomatically educate the men in your life (husbands, fathers, brothers, sons, shoe salesmen) that to Spread is to be inconsiderate.  Revolutionary behavior doesn’t always involve hostile confrontations, and sensitivity to other people being human often results in allies.

Sweet: Happy Valentine’s Week!

If you have been reading here for a while, you know that I am a perpetual optimist.  On a crowded, noisy train I remind myself that some people never travel more than 5 miles from their homes.  When my basement flooded, I said it was an opportunity to remodel.  Other than the first week after football season is over, I can almost always find a way to summon a positive angle on a situation.  It’s my survival mechanism.

As such, no one should be surprised that I love Valentine’s Day.  Even absent a current Significant Other, I think it’s quite a fabulous holiday.  The decorations are pretty, the movies on TV are sappy and hopeful, and every person has an opportunity to tell the people around her that she loves them.

Some among us are very cynical about the holiday, citing pressure on gifting, commercialism, and “It’s a made-up holiday”, as some of their reasons for being negative.  (What holiday isn’t made up?  Not even Jesus said, “Hey – make a really big deal about my birthday.”)

But I feel the opposite.  I think this is a gift-wrapped chance to appreciate people, in case you’ve been too busy to do so.  There is no law that says the person you are honoring is your sweetie.  It could be your mom, your former teacher, your kids’ nanny – anyone!  A positive sentiment is never a bad idea. And reminding yourself of all the good things in your life is a beneficial exercise whenever it may occur.

I have said something here before that bears repeating: Happiness is hard.  Cynicism is easy.  Negativity, skepticism, distrust, disbelief – all of these are conditions that some people would have you believe are the signs of intelligence.  In fact, they are signs of fear.  It is easier to be cranky and cynical and tell everyone that you didn’t ever expect to be treated equal to men in your job anyway, and all the men out there are malicious jerks. It’s hard to have hope.  It’s brave to take the chance that your new boss really will support you in a male-dominated environment, and you’ll get to explore your career opportunities unfettered by the ignorance of others.  Optimism and love are accompanied by the risk that your hopes will be dashed.  But if the potential win is that you will realize your own goals and aspirations, or perhaps you’ll find happiness in another person, how can you afford to be negative and skeptical?

In the spirit of the season, I would like to say how much I care about all of my sisters in arms and everything you give me on a daily basis.  I am constantly inspired and supported and encouraged by you, and you make my life a richer, more fulfilling existence.

I also appreciate all of the men who treat us as equals, fight for our progress, and don’t encroach on our figurative airline seats.  I heart you guys, and I thank you for the daily dose of happiness you give me and others.

There will be crises and problems in our lives, but there also always will be goodness and love. I hope you can find some reason to be optimistic and grateful during the Valentine’s holiday. If you’re at a loss, message me and I’ll send you a list of shoe sales.

When You Get Squashed

Happy 2019!  Is it fabulous so far?  Don’t let the weather color your answer – it is January, after all, and January must be true to itself.  As a landscaper friend of mine once told me, “How do you expect all those beautiful things to emerge in the spring if they don’t die back in the cold of winter?”

In the spirit of the sharp, clear cold winter days, let’s cut right to the chase.  I have been a bit absent here.  No, actually, I have been a lot absent here.  In truth, 2018 squashed me like a smooth drum roller.  There is no other way to explain what happened last year, and the only chance of making the situation better is to be honest about it.  I was Squashed with a capital S. I played chicken with 2018, and it won.  It laughed in my face and spat on my crumpled, broken body.  If I weren’t so terribly Irish and stubborn, I would be sitting on a frozen riverbank right now, trying to decide if frostbite really was a bad thing.

The source of the squashing was not one thing, so it was not easy to identify the problem, formulate a solution, and put a plan into action.  I tried repeatedly to retaliate with engineering ninja skills (evaluate, formulate, execute), but there were just too many aggressors.  Heavy Workload was the engine on a train that included Exhausting Travel, Bottomless Charity Causes, Family Drama, and a long line of other heavy cars that ran me over as I was tied to the tracks. 

Have you seen this old cartoon?  https://www.dailymotion.com/video/x1hac6w  My brothers and I used to watch this after school when they showed ancient cartoons in reruns.  Yes, this was me in 2018.  I got the dog plasma.  I spent the last few months of the year scratching for fleas and barking at cars.  It wasn’t pretty.

As the year drew to a close, I mentioned to one of my close friends that I was about to lose my mind.  (About to?  Who was I kidding? I exaggerated my real level of sanity because I didn’t want her to have me committed).  But this was the point where my little saga took a turn for the better.

What do people usually do when you tell them that you’re overwhelmed?  You know the answer to this.  It’s giving me hives just thinking about it.  The standard answer is, “You just need to learn to say no.”  Just like that.  Oversimplification, table for one?  Sweeping Generalization, come on in!  Seriously – how many times a week do you hear this?  People of all intelligence levels say it, as well as friends and family of all intimacy degrees.

How ludicrous is this statement?  (You can’t hear me, but I just shouted that).  To tell a person that the solution to her complex problems is just to “learn to say no” is to imply that she is stupid and that her problems are simple.  Think about it – the person who is overwhelmed is miserable.  Let’s assume she is moderately intelligent and of at least average emotional maturity.  If “just saying no” were the answer, WOULDN’T SHE BE DOING THAT?!  Of course she would.  But she’s not, because the situation is NOT that simple.

In truth, most people’s lives are complex and contain multi-layered problems.  The “solutions” to those problems often have far-reaching and sometimes hard to predict ramifications.  When you tell someone that she should just say no (or give her some other simple answer), you are implying that she isn’t very bright and hasn’t really tried to figure out solutions.  It’s insulting, so just stop it if you have indulged in this behavior.

Your friend whose brother constantly parks himself on her couch and asks her for money?  She’s exhausted from supporting him and bailing him out of constant scrapes and bad business decisions.  She’s worn out and broke, and he just showed up again.  So you say, “Hon, you just need to learn to tell him no.”

What you don’t know is that her brother has three kids and their mother is just as irresponsible as your friend’s brother.  The only chance these kids have to receive food and warm clothes is from their aunt.  She loves them dearly and would never let them go without, so she keeps giving their dad money.  In addition, she can’t stand the idea of such young kids being disillusioned by their dad, so she tries hard to gloss over his mistakes.  She feels like someone needs to try to give them something of a childhood.

So….now where are you on that “just say no” platitude?  It wasn’t as cut and dried as you thought, was it?

People like to think they can just reach in and solve your problems, and they’re doing you a big favor by doing so.  I’m told all the time “You just need to hire some people” because I have such a heavy workload.  Really?  What kind of people?  What exactly do I do all day – do you know?  Are there people out there who can do exactly that?  Is it more economical for me to train new people or to suck it up for a short time until some projects taper off?  Do you see my face in the mirror in the morning?  If not, then you don’t know the answers to those questions.

Back to my saga….when I said that I was overwhelmed and teetering on the brink of spontaneous combustion, my friend just listened for a while.  Not listening as in, “I feel your pain,” or “I’m validating your feelings,” (ugh) but actually listening to the situation as if it were a problem at work.  A few weeks later, she had planned to come over and hang out one evening, and I got this text: “We’ll need a whiteboard or a big notebook.  I’ve been thinking about your situation, and I have some ideas.”

I will not lie – I cried.  Yes, we have established here that I cry at the drop of a puppy, but the happiness was real.  THIS IS THE KIND OF FRIEND WE ALL NEED TO BE.

When she arrived, we talked about all of the train cars that were barreling across me, and she was sympathetic.  But she didn’t blithely “solve” things in one sentence, and she didn’t just listen.  What she did was to suggest a way to sort through all of the stressors and see if any of them could be reduced by targeting the most critical stressful elements.

The most important part of this story is the fact that my friend’s approach acknowledged that there was no simple solution for my chaos.  She didn’t suggest that the answer was easy and that I was just making life hard for myself.  Her approach implied that she supported my right to make my own choices in life, but that sometimes those choices come with problems.  And she reinforced her status as a real friend by offering to help instead of questioning my choices.

I suggest that in 2019 we all follow my friend’s lead.  We need to support other women and be good friends.  But we need to do this in a way that acknowledges and supports their choices and situations.  Life is neither simple nor easy.  Don’t assume the reason the woman next to you is overwhelmed is because she is spending too much time making perfect meals for her family when they would be happy with peanut butter.  Maybe she is caring for her mother, who has dementia, at the same time she is trying to figure out why a slope is failing in a critical military complex.  Can she solve any of that by just saying no?  Absolutely not.  Is there an easy solution for her issues?  Nope.  Can you be a good friend/colleague/fellow skirt by asking her about it and offering to sort through to find some way to achieve minor improvements?  You bet your pea-picking heart, you can.

Here’s to an un-squashed and vertical 2019.

Perfection, Part I

I Just Want It To Be Perfect

When I was young I used to haul around a sketch pad with me everywhere.  I spent hours and hours drawing…dresses.  I was fascinated by fabric and design and endlessly intrigued by art that one can wear.  As I grew older, I found out that my passion for art was balanced by my interest in science and engineering.  I thought the Great Pyramids were beautiful, but I also constantly found myself saying, “But how did they build that?” I think you know which direction I chose when I hit the unavoidable fork in the career road in college.

My artistic beginnings are probably some of the reasons I’m such a big fan of the TLC show “Say Yes to the Dress.”  No, it’s not the family drama.  It’s not the suspense. (Will she find a dress?! Or will she go to her $150,000 wedding in a sundress from Target?) It’s truly the dresses.  At the end of a long week when I’m trying to decide if I want to be an engineer again on Monday, I can sit on the couch on Friday night and say, “Ooo – look how well that drapes!”

On the other hand, the quickest way for me lose my Friday night happy coma is for one of the brides to implore, “But I just want it to be perfect!” This statement typically is said in the same tone a defeated peasant uses as she watches the invading army ride into town – “I just hope they let some of us live!”  The desperate brides who use this phrase lead us to believe that their lives will be over if every detail in their weddings is not exactly as they have envisioned it.  The cynic in me often yells at the screen, “You mean not perfect, as in something might happen that you haven’t imagined in your short, limited little life?  Something that might be better than what you dreamt of in your narrow-minded pursuit of an impossible goal but that you’ll be too myopic to appreciate?!” Okay, I try to keep my blood pressure low by ignoring this part of the episodes, but sometimes I can’t help it.  And it seems as if this illusion of perfection is everywhere these days.  It drives me crazy.  More importantly, it seems to me that the goal of perfection is much more prevalent among women than among men.

My distaste for this idea of perfection turned into a more mature interest when I heard this TED Talk.  Throughout Ms. Saujauni’s presentation, I kept saying, “Yes! Yes!” The idea of having to attain perfection is much more than a dramatic moment on a Friday night reality show. Her insights made me see that my revulsion on Friday nights was a response to a much larger condition than simply a tulle vs. silk predicament.  Soon after I listened to her talk, I read this post . I think both ladies have very similar messages, and I think we need to sit up and take notice, for our daughters’ sakes.

Human beings are, by definition, imperfect.  Our world also is imperfect.  We might use the word with abandon when it comes to spring days and d’Orsay heels and men who play James Bond.  But the truth is that none of those things and none of this world actually are perfect.  And those who pursue the nonexistent are doomed to the frustration of futility.

So why do we ask our daughters to be perfect? Why do we encourage them to attempt only things in which they have some chance of succeeding?  Why do we do everything in our power to protect them from making mistakes? Why are we so petrified that they will make mistakes?

As a perpetual optimist, I like to think the root of this problem is in biology, not in maliciousness.  As our species was becoming established, it was necessary for women to be as “perfect” as possible to be attractive to potential mates.  Women who did not reproduce and who weren’t married often did not have the protection of a man and could end up in dire straits. Families wanted to make sure their daughters didn’t end up poor and at the mercy of a less-than-benevolent society, so they pushed them to be without any possible flaws that could be construed as unsuitable for a potential mate.

This anthropological analysis (without any expertise to back it up), would explain an 1850s frontier family’s extreme concern over their oldest daughter’s penchant for wearing men’s pants while doing her farm chores.  In 1850, the negative reaction from the rest of the people in the small prairie town could lead to more than just some counseling sessions over bullying at the general store.  Being unmarriageable on the frontier could lead to problems for the whole family, including lack of protection from hostile raids and exclusion from pooling of resources.

But this isn’t 1850.  Even if your grandmother scolds you that you won’t find a man with hands that dirty (I proved her wrong more than once), the family is not likely to end up starving and surrounded by pirates/bandits just because you spend your days smeared with unladylike mud from various construction sites.

And yet, we continue to hold onto this idea of perfection.  We cringe at the thought of our daughters doing anything to generate negative attention.  If I hear “But in this age of social media, their mistakes will follow them everywhere” one more time I’ll scream.  Yes, your mistakes will be preserved for all eternity, but so what?  They are mistakes.  By teaching our daughters that mistakes should be avoided and covered up at all costs, we are telling them that they are not okay if they make a mistake.  We are saying that evidence of a mistake made 15 years ago might very well ruin an entire life.  And, in doing so, we discourage them from taking risks.  We teach them not to be brave.

I would be willing to gamble some hard-earned pennies that most of the women reading this post who have succeeded in engineering or construction careers have felt during at least part of those careers that they could not make any mistakes.  They knew that any one mistake, whether it be professional or personal, could spell the end of their careers.  After all, there were many men just looking for reasons as to why those women shouldn’t be in their jobs.  A mistake of any sort would provide just the ammunition a misogynist would need to say, “See?  I told you she didn’t belong here.”

When was the last time you heard about a guy who slept with his secretary or his foreperson or his IT expert and it didn’t affect his job.  The answer is yesterday.  Even better, when was the last time you saw a male co-worker get completely ripped at a company party and dance around with the proverbial lamp shade on his head?  Again, the answer is yesterday.  Many people would say, “Wow, that guy…” as they chuckled to themselves.  But the philanderer and the drunk both would keep their jobs.  “But, he’s good at his job, right?”

Now put a woman in both of those scenarios.  She’s not going to survive either one of these incidents.  Because both involve mistakes.  And both involve a lapse in judgment, which we are not allowed to have.  “What else will she do?  She might end up sleeping with the whole second floor IT department!  And if her judgment is bad in this area, how can she possibly size a beam for a load test?  Off with her head!”

So we tell our daughters to be strong and ambitious and go get a great career….as long as they do it perfectly.  If any mistakes are made, we’ll hire social media experts to wipe away the evidence, and we’ll spirit the girl off to an isolated location for trauma control. Yes, go get that engineering degree from Berkeley, but be sure to get straight As and make sure you agree with everyone you encounter.  They’ll call you a star if you’re perfect! Of course, you’ll never have an opportunity to learn from any mistakes, and your risk-avoidance will prohibit you from trying anything new or innovative.  But have a great life!

Is this what we want?  I know I don’t.  Over the years some of my most spectacular mistakes have taught me the most.  And I don’t want the false sense of security that I’m only okay if I’m perfect, which I’m not.  (I think there is a full astral plane between me and perfection).

So what do we do about this?  Or do we do something about this – is perfection the right goal?  Stay tuned for Part II.

Confidence of a Higher Order

Yes, I’m Supposed to Be Here

Confidence is a subject we have covered extensively on this forum.  It should not be a surprise to anyone currently engaged in our dialogue about women’s issues in a male-dominated workplace that a lack of confidence runs rampant through our ranks.  Yes, there are women who blaze a trail unencumbered by self-doubt, and they are our heroes.  But the rest of us continue to wage a battle for our place in the working world with compromised armor.

I am always fascinated by those women who sail through sexist-infested waters with no apparent recognition of the doubters and haters around them.  These are the women who don’t hesitate to state their opinions, do their jobs, and tell any obstructionists to get the hell out of the way.  So I study them in hopes that I might learn their secrets.  No retraining orders have been filed thus far, so apparently my approach has been anthropologist-worthy.  In any case, I have observed some of the most inspiring attitudes from a completely unexpected source.

The first twelve years of my education (plus kindergarten) were overseen and influenced by Roman Catholic nuns.  My grade school nuns were Ursuline Sisters, and my high school nuns were Sisters of Mercy.  In addition, my great aunt was a Sister of Charity. I still deal with nuns from a number of orders regularly at church and through charity work. I have the utmost respect for the dedication, work ethic, organizational skills, and focus of nuns as a whole.  (I left out integrity, honesty, humility, etc., because I think those are givens).  I’m also in awe of the fact that they tolerate spending their whole lives in boring, sensible shoes. That’s grit.

I cannot recall a single nun who appeared to be tentative or lacking in confidence when it came to executing her duties.  Yes, I have known sisters who were shy, but the vast majority in my experience have been downright commanding in their work lives.  I certainly never saw a nun defer to a man simply because he was a man. Surely you have seen or heard jokes about drill sergeant-like nuns as teachers?  Plays and musicals have been written about hard core, rigid nuns issuing orders and demanding respect from masses of obedient students and adults alike.

If you read the Outlander books, (and if you don’t, we cannot be friends), the author, Diana Gabaldon, wrote a passage in which the main character reflects on where she learned to have a commanding presence in her role as a battlefield nurse during World War II.  She observed nuns ordering soldiers around who were twice their size and gaining cooperation by not accepting anything else.  She learned by their example that if she barked an order and acted authoritative, many men would simply comply. In a major role in one of the books, the Mother Superior of a hospital in France directs men and women about equally, never giving either subordinates or colleagues the opportunity to disagree. The character would be called “fierce” in 2018, and she serves as inspiration for the heroine when she needs to marshal her courage.

It might seem a bit counter intuitive to look for help with confidence from a group of women whose very vows could be perceived as subservient.  They do not attain positions of commercial success in our society.  They are forbidden from accumulating wealth or possessions.  They are committed to advancing the work of their order and the church instead of their own desires.

But nuns are also some of the smartest and most well-educated women around.  Sister Mary Prisca Pfeffer, my former high school principal and English teacher, died at the age of 96 with more college degrees than I could count.  My great aunt insisted that my dad speak only in French during the summer so he could learn the language better.  And these two examples are just the tip of the iceberg.

So where does their example leave the rest of us?  More importantly, how do they achieve such confidence, and where can we get some of that?

Of course, part of the answer must include the fact that the sisters believe God is on their side.  How can you not go about your work with forcefulness and aplomb when you believe that your mission has divine approval?

But beyond the obvious, I feel that many nuns stride purposefully through their vocation because they truly believe they are supposed to be there.  Well, of course they do, you say.  That’s no revelation.  Otherwise they wouldn’t have taken vows and devoted themselves to the lives they have, right?  So, if they believe so strongly in their rightful places in their roles, why don’t we?

History, of course, is one answer to that question.  Nuns have filled the roles of nurses and teachers and missionaries feeding the hungry for years.  They don’t have to overcome the fact that there were few, if any women in their roles 50 years ago.  In fact, nuns are all women!

But what if we borrow their attitude?  What if we simply decide we’re supposed to be here?  We adopt that don’t-waste-time-arguing-with-me-because-it-won’t-do-you-any-good demeanor and make those around us believe it?

Before I learned that it was okay to be my age (see this post) I often joked that I graduated from college in 2007. I have told many people that others will be believe even something improbable if you look them directly in the eyes and sound confident in your statement.  Actually, that’s usually true.  So what if we just deal with others in the workplace every day as if it’s understood that we should be there (BECAUSE IT’S TRUE), and completely tune out any doubters. It would be even more fabulous if we could slap the knuckles of all of those doubters with a ruler, but I think there might be various local and federal laws against that.

I urge you to try the “Nun Approach” in your workplace this week.  Of course it should be accompanied by all appropriate courtesies, particularly if you work anywhere that could be construed as southern. (“Yes, sir, you have inadequate clearance around your rebar for shafts C12 and F7.  Those need to be fixed ASAP or your concrete is going right back to the plant.  Thank you for getting this done right now.”)

The most important part of this plan is the change that will take place in your own head.  If you don’t let anyone else stop to question your presence in your job, you’ll forget the question it, too.  Sister Mary Prisca NEVER let anyone question her authority or her expertise, and she was right.  I can diagram the previous sentence for you as proof. So we need to put her and other sisters on a pedestal and follow their lead.  We’ll just wear different shoes.

No Apologies

#notsorry

We’ve been a bit absent here at Underpinnings lately, and I was going to lead off this post by apologizing.  I’m so sorry that I am overloaded with work, that I’m in charge of various parts of three separate charity fundraisers in three months, that I’m trying to run a group of 25 community volunteers, and that I have ongoing chaos in my family right now.  But I’m not.  (And Superwoman Helen shouldn’t even dream of apologizing).

I’m not going to apologize.  All of these activities and situations are important to me, and it was my choice to prioritize them.  More importantly, I’m not going to try to ameliorate a failure or bad situation that exists only in my mind by offering an apology.

Studies and statistics and charts and graphs and barroom conversations all state that many women tend to apologize routinely in business and in life in general.  We use the apology as a means to do a number of things, none of which are good. (Some anomalous women don’t do this – you know who you are, so just sit there and be smug).

1)    We apologize to soften the blow of a difficult conversation.  We assume that if we explicitly take some of the blame for a bad situation, the other person or persons will be less likely to be confrontational and a resolution might be reached.

2)    We apologize to show that we are accountable, even if we had nothing to do with the problem at hand.  We want to show that we are willing to share the blame for a bad situation, thus showing our willingness to be a team player in effecting a solution.

3)    We apologize to keep another person from feeling badly.  We willingly take unwarranted blame so that another person won’t be upset, thus regulating the emotional barometer of the room.

4)    We apologize because we want people to know that we’re just lucky to be here and have a chance at a seat at the table. We’re willing to fall on our swords to express our humility.

5)    We apologize because the 4,000 demands of our everyday lives cannot be met and we feel inadequate.  See paragraph #1 of this post.

None of these reasons are okay.  Some, particularly #4, are downright upsetting.  Should I really still be trying to make nice after all these years?  Am I still worried that if I make trouble or if I don’t appear to be a martyr that someone will decide that I’m not worthy to have my job/family/life?

Unfortunately, apparently many of us still feel this way, even if it’s only subconsciously.  We apologize to create a buffer in our lives.  In effect, we apologize for who we are.

When was the last time you apologized?  Have you told a client this week that you’re so sorry the foundation cost turned out to be higher than he expected?  Have you messaged your best friend and said you’re terribly sorry you haven’t called her this week and you’re a bad friend? Have you apologized to a co-worker because you were already scheduled to be on a site in San Francisco and he needs help on a job in Miami?  Stop it.  None of these things are your fault.  You are not a bad person.  Falling on your sword will only ruin your outfit.

Just this week I found out that a manufacturer supplying products for a volunteer project of mine had neglected to tell me that he didn’t start producing the planters we ordered until about three weeks after he originally intended.  The delay meant that my volunteer organization would not be able to place the planters on the new city medians and fill them with flowers in time for a big fireworks show being held where I live.  Keep in mind, not only was the delay not my fault, but I’ve given hundreds of volunteer hours to this project.  But my first reaction was to contact city officials and apologize for the delay.  “I’m so very sorry that we will not have those flowers out for the tourists, and I feel very badly about it.”  Yes, I did feel badly about it, because I was looking forward to seeing the street planters spilling over with beautiful flowers.  But should I apologize?  Absolutely not.  It would send the wrong message – that my best wasn’t enough, and that any problems should be attributed to me.  In actuality, I worked my petunia off on that project, and everything but this one item worked out.  But we women rarely emphasize what we’ve done right.  Instead, we dwell on what we’ve done wrong, even if we didn’t do it!

It took all of my strength to contact the various city officials and never say the words “I’m sorry.”  After I was done, I had the horrible urge to call them all back and stress that I REALLY WAS SORRY.  But I resisted, and I have to say I’m pretty proud of myself.

For many of us, apologizing is a salve to the open wound that is our feeling of not being enough.  We have decided that the only way we can justify having the jobs we have and the family lives we want and the shoes we love is to acknowledge to the world that we somehow are falling short.  It must be perfect, or someone will come and tell me I’m fired.  What in the hell is perfect?  And who is making all of these impossible standards for us that no one could attain?  We are.  And we need to stop.  We need to go after the job and kiss the guy and have the kids and bake the cake and buy the shoes and not get to the end of it and decide that the cake was a little dry and the kiss should have been longer.

I do want to mention that I’m not speaking against compassion (“I’m so sorry that you’re not feeling well”), and I am a firm believer in accountability, a virtue that seems to be escaping many millennials (“I’m truly sorry that I was busy talking on my phone and knocked over your ladder and caused you to fall two stories to the pavement.  I’m also sorry that I stayed two extra days on my ayurvedic retreat, causing us to lose the contract for the project I was on”).  Always always be considerate and compassionate.  However, doing so doesn’t mean giving away situational power for no reason.  You are not doing a good thing by assuming blame for something out of your control or an error committed by others.  And if your life includes the things you want it to include, don’t second guess your choices and apologize.  The new hashtag to replace #sorrynotsorry is simply #notsorry.

Shades of Gray

We Can Do It…Even Better Now

If you follow our little blog and read the comments from our readers, you might have seen a rather pointed comment on our introduction of our contest winner, Lori Simpson, back in December.  After we listed all of Lori’s lengthy accomplishments, I suggested that this was all very impressive because Lori was only 25.  The implication, of course, was that it would be more desirable if Lori were 25 than her actual age, which is not my business to disclose. (I wasn’t raised by wolves).  One of our readers expressed her dismay at the joke and suggested that we stop acting like younger is better and start showing some respect for the accomplishments and benefits of age.

Okay, just between us chickens, my initial reaction was not one that appreciated her insights.  In fact, I think the mumbling alone in my office went something like, “Oh sure – you’re probably, what?  35?  If that?  I’ll bet you don’t spend a good portion of your time trying to keep your rear end from hanging down to the backs of your knees.  You probably don’t even know what Retinol is.  You have maybe one wrinkle?  And you probably told all your friends about how horrible it is.  Just wait until your face looks like a topo map and then talk to me about how great age is. You’ll just love it when you look like Mrs. Claus and all the guys just want you to bake them cookies.”  There might have been some uglier rambling, but I’ll spare you that.

Over the next few days, I kept thinking about her comments.  The more I thought about it, the more I realized that she was right.  I hate it when that happens.  My attitude about my own age in fact does nothing more than contribute to accepted social negativity.  As long as I focus on the drawbacks of maturity and fail to celebrate the benefits, I’m just making the problem worse.

So I need to embrace the beauty of maturity and wisdom and stop acting like younger is better.  This is nothing we all haven’t read in a thousand magazines.  Extol the mystique and allure of my accumulated years and celebrate the fact that I have a lot more career experience and knowledge than the average bear.  Appreciate that I am in a position now to help my clients and contribute professionally with a unique perspective based on a long history of project execution and successes.

Fabulous.  So I conceded my error (even though our beloved reader never knew of my solo rant) and issued a retraction in the form of a Solution Feature that embraced the value of age.

But the issue kept bugging me.  There was something missing from this newly accepted perspective.  Even though I was not drinking wine at a café in Paris, adorned with an artfully arranged scarf and chatting with the most recent in a string of fabulous lovers, I could see myself better in the framework of an accomplished woman of 50.  (There, it’s out there.  It only took 45 minutes for me to type that number).  But the career side didn’t fit.  So I had to sort through it to understand why.

Many times I’ve been with my dad at a site, and an owner or a contractor or another engineer has listened to him and not me.  I can’t count how many times he’s said to me, “You just don’t have enough gray hair.” To which I usually replied, “I have a salon to make sure that never happens.”  It’s been our running joke for years. When I tried to figure out what piece of the maturity puzzle was missing, I realized that this was it.

Women only began working in our industry in visible numbers in recent years.  It’s reasonable to say that women only really began entering our field in significant numbers in the mid-1980s.  If a woman graduated from college in 1985, she would be about 55 years old now.  What does this mean?  This means that most of the guys on jobsites and at design firms have no experience in dealing with a “gray-haired” woman in our industry.  They don’t associate a gray-haired woman in our position with a paragon of wisdom, because they have no frame of reference.

So doesn’t that just mean that we’re creating a new identity and men in our field will start to recognize it?  If only it were that simple. Unfortunately, in our business, we have trouble with our roles to begin with.  Many guys don’t acknowledge us at all.  Being older won’t have any effect on their apathy.  Other men pay attention to us only because we’re female.  (“You smell better than the concrete crew.” So do some horses, but the gist of the compliment was understood).  We hope and pray that our expertise will widen their appreciation of our abilities beyond just physical appearance and they’ll eventually regard us as worthwhile professionals.  Sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn’t.  For those guys, age cancels out any reason to pay attention to us.  We’re old and unattractive to them. For another subset of guys, an older woman creates nothing but a worry or a hazard on a jobsite.  “Don’t break a hip!”  “Wouldn’t you be happier somewhere you can get your knitting needles out and work?”

We don’t have that magical role of a wise sage to attain, because it doesn’t exist in the female form in our industry.  That doesn’t mean there aren’t some brilliant femmes d’un certain age in our field.  But they are so few as to not be known by the masses.

What that means for us is that Joe B. Superintendent might ask me if I’m at a site to visit my grandson, or if I’m someone’s secretary delivering shop drawings.  He might hold my elbow when I step over piles of rebar because he’s afraid I’ll break a bone and end up in a nursing home forever.  He might ignore me thinking I have nothing useful to share.

This sounds rather grim, doesn’t it?  On the contrary, much like everything else we have dealt with in our roles as women in a male-dominated profession, this is just another opportunity to blaze a trail.  In fact, this gives us the chance to define what the image of an experienced, mature female engineer or contractor will be in the deep foundations business.  I’m thinking we can do a lot with this.  My contribution might be along the lines of Indiana Jones meets Dorothy Parker meets Reese Witherspoon.  We are not conventional women and we won’t leave conventional marks.  And all the boys on the jobsites will recognize that they will have no idea what to expect when they see a female “gray hair,” but we’ll have important things to contribute.  I’m not suggesting this will be easy, but it gives us something more positive to reach for in our dotage when we start getting negative or apathetic reactions instead of the respect we deserve.  I hope you’ll write this script with me.

(It’s important to note that I say gray hair symbolically and metaphorically.  I honor every woman’s choice, but I’m southern.  We don’t do that salt and pepper nonsense, and you will not convince me that it’s more authentic or honest or whatever other fairy tale you want to sell me.  Hair colorists need jobs, and I won’t let them down.  But I’ll project that “gray hair” aura with pride).

Civil Wars

The Casualties Are Higher When It’s Personal

It didn’t take the #metoo movement for most of us to be familiar with being undervalued or disrespected or ignored at work or in school.  Even our youngest millennials who work in progressive companies with open-minded colleagues have run into ugliness at some point.  The trouble may have come from a backwards guy on a jobsite spouting obscene suggestions while he ignored your engineering evaluation of the problem with his soil nail wall.  You may have lost a promotion to a guy with less experience but who the boss felt more comfortable sending out to construction sites.  Or the issue may have been more subtle; a manager who professed to care about your career but who kept assigning difficult projects to others in order to “give you less stress.”

As we wade through these swine-infested waters, the implication is that all of our problems are work issues.  The offenders are people from families that aren’t yours.  The misogynists are other women’s husbands (bless their hearts). And when you leave the offensive situation at work, you get to go home to sympathetic people who love you and value you for everything wonderful that you are.

Yes, in the candy-canes-and-teddy-bears world in my head this is true.  We all have supportive, understanding partners and close-knit, warm families.  Diane Keaton will be playing your mom in the movie about how you took on the unequal power structure at your company and won, and Kelly Clarkson will do the soundtrack.

How often is this really true?  Using the analytical side of our personalities, does it make statistical sense that all of us fabulous women in our field would have enlightened partners and families?  Not a chance.  We have to be realistic about the fact that our career choices likely will make waves for us personally as well as professionally.  And it’s doubtful that there’s an HR office in your house to sort it out.  So solving your inequality problems with people you are tied to legally and genetically probably will be much more complicated than taking care of your work issues.  And much more painful.

I worked with a woman years ago whose father was an earthwork contractor.  He had raised his two sons to work in the family business, and neither had ended up working with him.  On the other hand, his daughter had spent her childhood begging to learn how to operate a backhoe, asking questions about grade stakes and stockpiles.  He told her that girls had no place in construction.  She tried for years, only to be rebuffed.  Finally out of high school, she chose to go to engineering school, hoping for a “backdoor” into her father’s world.  Sadly, he never accepted her.  His disapproval and lack of pride in his daughter’s accomplishments led to bitterness and anger in her.  When I met her she was in her late twenties, and her bitterness toward her father subconsciously controlled most of her actions.  She slept with men of whom she knew he would disapprove; she slanted all of her evaluations on jobsites against the interests of the contractors; and she measured every career victory in terms of what her father was missing. It was tragic.

Could she have changed her father’s longstanding opinions if she had tried a different approach? Could she have proven to him through actions that his outdated beliefs were wrong? We’ll never know.  They stopped speaking to each other years ago.

Many counselors and psychologists will tell you that insecurities are magnified a thousand fold with your “family of origin.”  This sensitivity can make rectifying a bad situation seem insurmountable.  The emotions involved can cloud reason and douse any flame of energy for being patient with ingrained prejudices and longstanding beliefs. With family, a woman must have a true desire to change her relatives’ beliefs and behaviors.  And she must have patience above all.  Because she is not just redefining another person’s beliefs, she is restructuring the family unit. Making progress may not always be possible, and it will be arduous when it does occur.

A relationship with a partner is a completely different issue.  A partner is someone who has been chosen. The implication is that the chosen person loves you and wants what’s best for you, no matter what.  Even if such a person would have outdated beliefs, they would be easy to convert to a more progressive mindset because they think you’re fabulous.

If only it were that simple.  As Annie Schmelzer said so brilliantly in this post, most guys don’t go around with a T-shirt that says they’re insecure sexists who will try to undermine you the minute they feel threatened.  Wait – threatened?  If you love a man and he loves you, why should he ever feel threatened?  If you really love each other (and you didn’t get together just because all of your other friends were getting married and it was “time”), you both want nothing more than the health and happiness of the other person.  Anything less isn’t real love.  But close-but-no-cigar love often comes disguised as real love.  Unfortunately, the voids usually don’t appear until it’s too complicated to just walk away.

My mistakes in this area have been spectacular, the product of my leap-before-I-look personality and my perpetual optimism. (Really? That alcoholic who flirts with me every time I come out on site doesn’t respect me?  But he said he likes me…) My longtime boyfriend in college was very supportive of my engineering career until I ran into a problem with a guy on my second co-op job in school.  When I told my boyfriend that I had brought it up to my boss, he said, “Hey – I didn’t sign up for any feminist crusade.”  A guy had just been extremely disrespectful to me, and all my boyfriend could think about was not being involved in a conflict.  And I was too stupid to get out of the relationship at the time.

Even though I broke up with that guy later, my obliviousness continued. Probably the most painful experience I had was when I got married to a man who professed to think that my job was “cool” and that he was proud of me. I had always thought that the best part of marriage was sharing yourself with another person, not being afraid that the other person will judge you or use what you share against you.  Both of you are supposed to always be on the other’s side. But what I found is that every time I did well at work, my husband would use something I had told him against me.  If I solved a dispute on a construction site, he would remind me that I had stomach ulcers and was “weak.”  If I gained a new client, he would work into conversation that I get my rights and my lefts mixed up often.  If someone else complimented me on my work at a party, he would tell the crowd that I told him how nervous I was when I had to deal with a particular client.  I didn’t recognize the pattern – or the motive – at first, but as time went on his comments became meaner and his acknowledgements of anything I did well fewer and far between.  Needless to say, he loved some idea of me, but not the actual me.  Not the me who wades through mud in deep sinkholes.  Not the me who changes her own tires and doesn’t automatically ask a man to perform tough jobs.  And being with someone who didn’t want me to be the best person I could, whether as a muddy engineer or in a more traditional role, wasn’t healthy.

As difficult as our professional problems with gender inequality may be, solving the same problems in our personal lives is far more complicated and burdensome.  The emotions involved can distort our perceptions of what is best for us and distract us from the truth in our lives.  There is no handbook, no company policy, no legal recourse for being narrow-minded in a personal relationship.  But we have our sisterhood in this, too, and we owe it to other women to support them when they need us, whether the problem is personal or professional.  People we love and who allege to love us should love us for who we are, not who they want us to be.  And just like in our professional lives, we owe it to ourselves not to settle for less.

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